Thirty-fourth @ 12:28 a.m.
This is

They’ll never know exactly what this is.
This is both my start and my finish line. (watch me cross it.)
This is the song I’ll never be confident enough to sing. (I wrote the words with the best intentions)
This is what I wish I could say. (I write it down and decide it’s better never said)
This is the ache in my head. (can you feel it?)
This is the emptiness that lives inside of me. (it's a cold place) This is the color of my eyes when light pours in through the window and washes through them at just the right angle. (can you see it?)
This is the reason why I stay. (her smile and laugh and that look in her eye when she says that she loves me)
This is what someone’s nightly need for skin on skin contact has caused me. (the scars of a "survivor")
This is what I’m waiting for. (freedom from feeling so guilty)
This is the melody of those memories, the garage and the sickness of your smile. (have you forgotten?)
This is the density of my distilled dignity. (I'm not very proud)
This is the sound of my self-sacrificial silence. (can you hear it?)
This is the sadness that slithers like snakes all over your skin and makes you shiver. (we don't have to feel this way, but we do)
This is the list of explanations they gave me to make clear the reasons why I can’t sleep. (bullshit)
This is my skin that’s dry because I don’t deserve to be soft. (blame breaks you)
This is the side of me that’s sour. (can you taste it?)
This is my gratitude for gifts never given. (thank you)
This is the breathlessness I feel for a song. (my knees shake)
This is the longing that lurks inside of me. (i wish wish wish)
This is the evasiveness that I wrap myself up in. (so, anyway)
This is the scent of cigarette smoke and flowers that remind me of the day I met you. (can you smell it?)
This is everything they’ll never know.

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Older Entries
goodbye - 2005-08-09
- - 2005-03-31
happy birthday to me - 2005-02-06
toolong - 2004-06-10
- - 2003-08-12